Howdy! God, I feel horrible. I thought I'd win the lotto by now and be able to give writing up for warm beaches (<--yeah, that's supposed to be 'beaches' not another word) and lotsa drinks. I guess I have to keep plugging away. :D
I'm thinking about life. A very awesome lady (I'd have her baby) has been reminding me of things I'd once known and forgotten. Things from childhood, things that have shaped me into this devilishly rogue warrior. (<-- Not really what I am, but it sounds better than the truth. My life is simple: I work, I read, I write. I love those who deserve it. I enjoy myself. I walk a lot at night because I'm restless sometimes or I'm enjoying someone special's conversation and I'm too happy to stay trapped inside my home.)
So she has me thinking, and it's so easy to lose sight of who we are when we're looking at who we want to be.
I want to be a horror writer, but I love so many genres, and I think the struggle to only be one thing, one type of writer, creates a lot of tension (in me at least.) I don't fit into a box very well. I want to experiment. I want to write whatever story, in whatever genre the characters point me to. I feel like I always let that happen in the heat of composition, but there is still an internal critic (and he's a dick) who tells me I'm steering away from the beaten path. He needs to shut up and just let the story go where it's meant to.
I've been reliving the chaos of certain things. Some people just don't let go and move on (these are the obsessive, needy people who suck the life from everyone around them. They create drama. They feed off other people's misery and think it makes them stronger when it only shows how needy and weak they really are. It sucks there are other writers like that, let alone people in general).
Other people are too nice and keep getting beaten down (these are the good ones who take a flogging for their kindness and heart. It irritates me to see them getting taken advantage of). I think people should stand up for themselves--and if they're your friend and they can't do it on their own--you should stand up for them and with them. Our characters do it. Why shouldn't we?
None of this is making much sense is it? I just need to ramble. No one even needs to read (except for maybe a few people.)
My life is a blessed one. I have a great family and great friends and the start of something beautiful in the three most important parts of my existence (writing, work, and a relationship.)I don't feel like I deserve any of it because I've wasted away so much time--being stupid, or drunk, or stupid drunk--when I was younger. I won't waste anymore time. This past year has been a "Get serious" year mixed with a "Look at all the great things in your life and appreciate it year!"
I've learned a ton thanks to a lot of people both good and bad.
Someone posted a link recently on Ray Bradbury. And he's one of my favorite writers. The whole point of his life was based on one simple thing. Love... not the 'I scratch your back, we exchange favors,' business end of it, but the selfless love that comes with opening yourself up to the people that matter, the ones you can trust, the ones who help you be selfless and just be. So many things hold us back (ourselves and our drive for respect, the perfect job, the right marriage, the big book deal)from just loving the little things that really bring the greatest joy: honesty with someone we cannot get enough of; a paragraph that embodies everything we stand for or everything we don't; the smile of someone who has held our hand when no one else would; the laughter that comes when the hard times have passed and we can see things clearly, when we're stronger because of the struggle--because we endured it and learned from it and can share it with someone else when they need a shoulder to lean on or the truth: that they matter. To Us.
Love. That's what it's about. Blazing and bright, hard and soft, admiration of their actions and trust of their words, all pretense cast off, all expectations and demands behind us where they can't tarnish what is such a wonderful experience if we'd just let it breathe. There is beauty all around us, that's true. But there is so much more inside if we can only scrape away the gunk from so many broken hearts and so many disappointments, and let love and truth shine.
Love. I don't think everyone deserves it, but everyone deserves the chance for it. If they can't appreciate it, screw 'em. Time is precious. I'm grateful for all the love in my life. I have more than I ever expected and more than I know how to handle. I adore all the important people in my life who do so much with every little gesture. Those people amaze me.